Gare du Midi wins UN World Heritage Site recommendation

Gare du Midi, Brussels’s main international train station, should be kept in its current condition for at least the next 50 years and should be nominated for the United Nations World Heritage Site award for its contribution to depression, Belgian courts ruled today (6 January).

The station must keep its low-hanging, dark grey ceiling (which is designed to be reached by one dwarf standing on top of two others as stipulated in the Belgian Train Stations Act 1972) as dirty as possible, preferably by spraying billows of dust mingled with a sticky fly-attracting spray twice daily, the court decreed.

The number of tramps currently hired to piss on the station’s ash-grey, plastic-laminated floor should be increased to one tramp per 10m2, while homeless people hired to vomit at the bottom of the main thoroughfare leading to the metro station should be paid per volume of sick rather than per amount of time taken to be sick, according to the ruling.

A Belgian court spokesperson said the new law was needed to give people a reality check when they arrive back from “glamorous” destinations such as London and Paris. “Brussel’s biggest station is a monument to depression and the darkness which is inside us all”, the spokesperson said.

Leonpeedas, one of Belgium’s leading chocolate stores, said that the ruling coincides perfectly with the economic downturn, becoming a recipe for booming business. “January is a time when people are naturally more depressed and the credit crunch has dragged them down even further”, a Leonpeedas spokeswoman said, “when travellers arrive back to Gare du Midi they pass through the station, smelling the vomit and piss, and come straight to our boutique to buy our chocolate, including our special piss-filled truffles and vomit-topped biscuits”, she said.

Other inconveniences should be introduced at the station, the Court ruling recommended. Any cash points should be removed and replaced by a series of bank advertising posters, including top Belgian banks INoGivashit, Fortpiss and Dexipuke, to give a false sense of hope to cash-poor travellers.

Chairs in cafes should be replaced by giant plastic zebras, and shelves displaying food should contain a few limp waffles, some may be covered in chocolate, the Court said.

Belgium celebrates efficiency ban

Efficiency and politeness have today (Thursday) been officially outlawed in Belgium.

 

Extremely disorganised street parties were held across Brussels to celebrate the ban – causing angry traffic jams throughout the city, and a complete breakdown of the public transport system.

 

Apologising for glaring mistakes has also been banned, Belgian government officials confirmed to the BULLetin – adding that schoolboy/girl errors must be made brazenly and followed by a shrug.

 

The move comes in the wake of an outbreak of organised behaviour by a small conclave of German and American citizens who were attempting to set up a telecoms company in Brussels – but have now been extradited.

A Belgian government official explained:  “This group posed a serious threat to the haphazard, lackadaisical – even deliberately obstructive Belgian approach to business, something in which we have enormous national pride.

 

“The efficiency ban will ensure this sort of outrage never happens again inside Belgian borders.”

 

Extensive paperwork, queues obligatory

 

The efficiency veto includes detailed instructions on exactly how much cumbersome paperwork should be required by banks, post offices and other services used by Belgian residents on a daily basis.

 

It also stipulates that no business should at any time have a full complement of staff, and that queuing for a service should never under any circumstances take less than half an hour of a customer’s time – or 45 minutes if the queuing is taking place during their lunch break, so as to ensure that they do not also have time to pick up a sandwich.

 

Other regulations state that small supermarkets should be laid out in as cramped and confusing a manner as possible, and should always have a spillage of liquid – preferably oily – next to the fridge area. Owners of night shops, say the new rules, should always be on the phone when customers attempt to ask the price of their purchase  – and should never break off the call to give this information but merely point at the cash register, whose screen showing the total must be a) facing the shopkeeper and not the customer and b) broken anyway.

 

Road works are also covered by the detailed instructions; where pedestrian passages are blocked, no alternative walkway should be provided – forcing those travelling on foot either to walk out in front of cars, or take an extremely protracted alternative route. 

 

The politeness ban dictates that Belgian workers should never, ever apologise for causing inconvenience, frustration, distress or even mental breakdown or homelessness to their customers.

 

 

 

 

 

‘Down on the Farm’ drawing competition; some prizes eaten

Gold stars have been awarded to ten EU member states in a pan-European agricultural-themed drawing competition.

 

The top three entries – from Spain, Italy and Bulgaria – were also awarded chocolate cows, sheep and pigs – although some of these did not reach the winners as they were eaten during the judging process, a Commission source confirmed today.

 

It is believed that one of the winning entries featured a herd of bovine rappers performing a tune called ‘Health Checking it Out (Set Aside)’.

 

Among those efforts rejected by Commission judges was a drawing (rumoured to have been submitted by France) depicting certain Commissioners as steaming cowpats.

 

The ‘Down on the Farm’ drawing competition was launched two months ago in a bid by the European Commission to ‘endorse and promote the beneficial nature of actively and successfully working within a creative framework to produce artistic art which showcases co-operation, effective working methods and tangible results.’

 

Only non-professional artists were allowed to enter, and entrants were only permitted to use felt-tip pens or crayons. Drawings had to be executed on paper measuring no more or less than 40cm by 30cm – any entries not meeting these requirements were immediately rejected.

 

The Commission source said there had been ‘much hilarity’ and some drunkenness during the judging of the competition, which was carried out at Kitty O’ Shea’s pub opposite the Berlaymont building on Friday evening.

 

However, the source also admitted: “Regrettably, some of the chocolate prizes were also eaten during the judging.”

 

A member of the public who was in Kitty O’ Shea’s on Friday said there had also been repeated renditions of the theme tune from Tony Hart’s ‘Hartbeat’ art programme for youngsters, popular in the UK in the 1980s and 90s.

 

A spokesman for the Spanish permanent representation in Brussels told the BULLetin: “We are delighted to have been selected among the top three entrants.”

He added: “It is unfortunate that two of our chocolate sheep prizes were received in a headless format, but the Commission has apologised for this and we are happy to leave it at that.”  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Driving half-naked without sun protection to become criminal offence

People who drive half-naked when on holiday in Europe without applying sufficient quantities of sun cream will now be sentenced to one year in prison, in a plan to slash the number of combined road and skin-cancer-related deaths, the European Commission said on 16 July.

A new EU-wide system of road-side, sun cream-sensitive cameras will be in place by the end of this month, particularly at beach resorts in Spain and Greece, in time for the annual migration of Europeans to the bloc’s hot-spots.

“We have noted that in summer more Europeans die in road accidents than at any time of the year,” EU road spokesperson Aronda Bend said.

 “At the same time of year, a higher percentage of people get skin cancer,” Bend continued.

“We have since put two and two together to come up with an efficient, effective, coherent and relevant framework directive that will limit fatalities in both cases; in English, we call it killing two birds with one stone.”

But the plan has hit opposition in a number of EU member states, in particular the UK.

“We fink it’s our right, I said RIGHT, to drive top-less wivout bldy suncream when we’re on ‘oliday,” one representative for the UK’s male transport authority said.

“Speedin’ up and down roads near beaches, exposing our gorwgeous glowing red skin and amping up the music attracts the birds, dunnit.”

He added, somewhat aggressively: “AND, we don’t fink it’s right to kill one bird, let alone two”, he added.

Bend, known affectionately in political circles as Bender, retorted that the EU intends to extend bird-nature protection zones this summer, anyway.

“I was merely using the word bird figuratively,” she said.

 

Hoomous Monster is suspect in hard of hearing attack

A woman has been left deaf in one ear after falling victim to a random strike by a large dirty beige-coloured bear thought to be the infamous Hoomous Monster.

 

The 45-year-old mother of seven from South London was visiting Brussels on business yesterday when she was targeted in the vicious attack.

 

A police source told the BULLetin the Monster pounced as she left an office building in the Shuman area of the city at around 8pm last night. It is believed he had watched her go into the building an hour before, and lain in wait camouflaged by an off-white work van.

 

“When the woman emerged from the building, she said that the bear jumped out from the van bellowing ‘HOOMOUS’ directly in her left ear, and jumping up and down grunting and waving his large hairy hands excitedly in her face,” the police source said.

 

“She was absolutely terrified. She ran screaming for help into a nearby night shop, and the Monster disappeared.”He added: “The bear shouted at her so loudly she has been left temporarily hard of hearing in her left ear.”

 

 

 

Brussels Police are now combing the streets of Shuman and the surrounding area looking for the Monster, who is known to favour sleeping – and feeding – in supermarket warehouses.

 

But wildlife campaigners said that if the Monster was responsible for the attack, he could not be blamed for his behaviour – that he was simply hungry. Tri Huggar from the UK’s Royal Society for the Protection of the Hoomonster (RSPH) called on the EU to provide emergency aid for Hoomous supplies, to prevent future attacks.

 

“The Hoomonster is biologically programmed to hunt down his supply of Hoomous at all costs,” she explained.

 

“As Hoomous supplies in Europe dwindle, this kind of attack will sadly become more and more common, and the Hoomonster more and more unpopular. The only solution is to provide emergency supplies of Hoomous.”

 

RSPH has now launched a campaign called ‘Help the Hoomonster’. If you would like to donate, please visit www.helptheHM.com

 

Meanwhile, Brussels Police are appealing for witnesses to yesterday’s attack. Please get in touch if you have any information.

Stagiaire tells geekiest joke ever: shock report

 

A stagiaire working at the European Commission has told the geekiest joke ever in the history of the EU institutions, it was confirmed this week.

 

The stagiaire, who wished to remain anonymous, quipped that he was going to order a batch of t-shirts for his colleagues bearing the slogan ‘I survived the Health Check 2008′ – EU sources told the BULLetin.

 

The joke followed a particularly hectic period at the Commission in the wake of the publication of draft proposals for a ‘health check’ on the Commonly Unpopular Policy (CUP) for EU farming. Staff were forced to work round the clock spinning rolls of red tape and dreaming up new jargon – cutting short their usual two-hour, four-beer subsidised lunches, and afternoon naps.

 

The stagiaire had attempted to cheer his exhausted colleagues with the joke, but sources said it ‘went down like a lead balloon’.  

 

The BULLetin is now appealing for any readers who may have heard a geekier EU-related joke to come forward.

 

EU-Ukraine hoomus deal could attract Hoomonster, lobby group fears

By Rumi Nantes

EU Free Trade Commissioner, Pierre Womandeldaughter, and Ukrainian Vice President, Hrvvhory Nveeyrya, yesterday inked an historic deal on hoomus trading.

Ukrainian hoomus farmers were yesterday celebrating the fact they will now be allowed to export large quantities of the chickpea-based delicacy to Europe.

But the EU lobby group, Keep Ukrainian hoomus out of Europe (KUHE), said it is concerned that increased imports will attract the fearsome Hoomonster.

The Hoomonster, a large, dirty beige-coloured bear, is known for scaring the life out of innocent pedestrians by hiding in dark corners in order to suddenly pounce, bellowing HOOMUS in their ears.

The Hoomonster is said to have developed this intimidating technique of securing his required daily intake of hoomus during a stay in France. When a shopkeeper did not understand the word hoomus, the monster was forced to shout it at the top of his voice until a passing Greek tourist came to his aid.

But Womandeldaughter said today that EU citizens should not be intimidated by the Hoomonster.

“We should not live in fear,” he told journalists at a high-level security conference.

“We in Europe will not give in – if we do that, the Hoomonster and his low-level terrorist tactics have won.”

Proposed proposal on effects of efficiency drives commissioned by Commission

By Phillipe Phillope

The European Commission has commissioned a study on a report on a proposed proposal to improve the effectiveness of the effects of efficiency drives within the Union.

The study will require around 392,000 hours of work by a total of 22,870 employees, necessitating approximately 3,000,497 tasty, nutritionally balanced lunches.

It is estimated that the end result of the study will be proposals creating around 20,000 kilometres of red tape.

A Commission official confirmed: “Effective efficiency will be at the heart of this study. “The Union needs to cut back on the effects of inefficiency, strengthening efficiency through efficient studies on reports on proposed proposals.”

Next week, the Commission will release a 1,500-page report explaining what this actually means.

‘More love’ for EU

By Rumi Nantes

The European Commission has said that it will place a blanket ban on stressful situations in the office, claiming that EU employees are not being shown enough love.

The measure is thought to cover all hours worked overtime, except when employees are engaging in office relationships, sources indicated.

“We want our treasured staff to spend more time at home with their partners and friends,” EU Happiness spokesman Gimmeda Sunshine said.

“There is simply not enough love in the Union.”

Sunshine explained that self-tan, sensual bath oil and fresh roses will be mailed to all employees at the EU institutions – but at their home addresses only.

“For those who leave work early, free bottles of Bollinger will be personally delivered by exceptionally good-looking post people,” he added.

Foot and fart disease and pootongue slash EU meat consumption

By Mimi du Champ

Recent outbreaks of Foot and Fart Disease and Pootongue have badly damaged consumer confidence in the European meat market, Red Tape Commissioner Massivo Wastatime said this week.

At a conference in Brussels on Thursday, Wastatime told delegates: “Consumption of arse meat has fallen by over 70 per cent since last month’s outbreak of Foot and Fart Disease (FAFD) in Europe.”

He added: “We need to reassure consumers that arse, and its by-products, are now safe to eat.”

FAFD causes infected animals to consistently stamp their feet in time to imaginary music in their heads while farting uncontrollably, and renders arsemeat inedible as it is left tasting strangely of baked beans.

The spread of the Pootongue virus – which leaves cows and sheep with unbearable and frequently fatal bum breath – has also hit European farmers hard, Wastatime said.

While delegates at Thursday’s conference appeared more interested in the free pens, cool-bags, sweets, coffee, cakes, beer and dinner on offer during the course of the day, most did a good job of pretending not to be asleep as experts gave speeches congratulating each other on their expert use of their expertise.

Closing the conference, Wastatime said: “We have come a long way since the first outbreak of Pootongue back in 1992. We can now keep the turd breath sufficiently under control that animals afflicted with the disease do not harm – or offend – other, non-infected animals.

“And Foot and Fart started out as a vicious disease where afflicted animals were forced to shuffle along politely to artists like Phil Collins and Enya. We have now managed to reduce suffering to the point where they might be hearing a bit of early Oasis, or even jigging along to some Groove Armada or Gorillaz. This shows we are moving forward in leaps and bounds.”