By Mimi du Champ
Recent outbreaks of Foot and Fart Disease and Pootongue have badly damaged consumer confidence in the European meat market, Red Tape Commissioner Massivo Wastatime said this week.
At a conference in Brussels on Thursday, Wastatime told delegates: “Consumption of arse meat has fallen by over 70 per cent since last month’s outbreak of Foot and Fart Disease (FAFD) in Europe.”
He added: “We need to reassure consumers that arse, and its by-products, are now safe to eat.”
FAFD causes infected animals to consistently stamp their feet in time to imaginary music in their heads while farting uncontrollably, and renders arsemeat inedible as it is left tasting strangely of baked beans.
The spread of the Pootongue virus – which leaves cows and sheep with unbearable and frequently fatal bum breath – has also hit European farmers hard, Wastatime said.
While delegates at Thursday’s conference appeared more interested in the free pens, cool-bags, sweets, coffee, cakes, beer and dinner on offer during the course of the day, most did a good job of pretending not to be asleep as experts gave speeches congratulating each other on their expert use of their expertise.
Closing the conference, Wastatime said: “We have come a long way since the first outbreak of Pootongue back in 1992. We can now keep the turd breath sufficiently under control that animals afflicted with the disease do not harm – or offend – other, non-infected animals.
“And Foot and Fart started out as a vicious disease where afflicted animals were forced to shuffle along politely to artists like Phil Collins and Enya. We have now managed to reduce suffering to the point where they might be hearing a bit of early Oasis, or even jigging along to some Groove Armada or Gorillaz. This shows we are moving forward in leaps and bounds.”
Tags: arse, baked beans, consumer confidence, Enya, expertise, farting uncontrollably, foot and fart, free pens, imaginary music, meat market, pootongue, red tape
